


my love language is annoying the shit out of you

by desastrista



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack, Established Relationship, Humor, M/M, No one knows they're dating, Prank Wars, Side Wanda/Vision, well almost no one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-10
Updated: 2019-05-10
Packaged: 2020-02-29 08:15:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18774766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/desastrista/pseuds/desastrista
Summary: There's a lot of nuances of human romance that Vision doesn't understand, but he thinks he can see what is developing between Sam and Bucky. Even if no one else does.(Note: mild spoilers for Endgame in the first authors note)





	my love language is annoying the shit out of you

**Author's Note:**

> Endgame spoilers, technically, below! 
> 
>  
> 
> This fic was born out of joking around with casuallyfantastic2001 on tumblr about the kind of shit that Sam and Bucky would pull on each other. It only occurred to me once I started writing that Vision likely canonically didn't survive Endgame, but this is fanfiction -- the plot is made up and canon doesn't matter! So now because there is no other suitable narrator, Vision is alive. Call it a canon divergence AU. Or Tony brought Vision back and then he sat out the last fight. Whichever.

There are many aspects of human courtship that elude Vision. It's not a problem of a lack of information; Vision can scrape and process more than a thousand web pages a milliseconds.

However, when it comes to the question of courtship, he has found online advice to be... confusing, to say the least.

For example, he had seen a reputable number of references to the idea that women loved strong, silent men. So Vision disabled his vocal capabilities for the day and spent his free time perfecting the resource allocation algorithm of his forearms. 

Vision thought he was doing pretty well for himself, but that night Wanda asked, in a tone of absolute concern, if he was alright or needed any help. 

“I was just trying to improve my courtship odds,” he sputtered, as he hastily re-enabled his vocal chords. 

She laughed for -- he timed this -- exactly five seconds and three hundred twenty two millisecond after he explained what he had been doing. Rounding to the nearest minute, it had felt like an hour.

“You can't trust everything you read on the Internet, Vis,” she finally said. 

“Evidently not,” he sighed. He vowed to be more careful next time and not rush to any conclusions. 

However, that decision just made it more difficult to know what to do once he started noticing the first signs of romance between his teammates Sam Wilson and Bucky Barnes. 

 

 

Take, for example, the ritual of affectionate nicknames, often called “pet names”. The literature was very clear that, while their usage was by no means universal, these names were quite commonly used to refer one's significant other. Bucky Barnes appeared to use these liberally with Sam. 

“Hey, Osprey, on your left,” he might say, for example, while running laps. 

Or, while eating lunch, “Eagle, are you going to finish that?”

Vision had started to keep track. Within earshot in the last month alone, Bucky had referred to Sam by an impressive 53 different bird species, none of which were actually the other man's preferred monickor. Such a commitment to avian research could only speak to a truly dedicated, loving relationship.

He was surprised that Sam rarely, if ever, seemed to acknowledge the effort. Perhaps it was the social norm around “public displays of affection.”

Once, though, when Bucky called out, “Hey, Warbler, what's the wifi password again?” Sam did actually respond.

“It's 'stop wasting time Googling bird species’.”

Later that day, Bucky asked, “Emu, when did you schedule that training session?” 

“Emus are flightless!” Sam shook his head in disbelief. “Flight is my whole thing. Get it right.” 

In mock injury, Bucky said, “Now I'm the one Googling bird species.” 

“Everyone knows what emus are.” That was when Sam turned to Vision. “Vision, you know what an emu is, right?” 

Just happy to be included, Vision answered, “I do know what an emu is. However, I also have a dedicated database in my memory bank for various bird species and their origins, so I might not be the most reliable source for general knowledge on the subject.”

That had been last week. Vision had not heard Bucky refer to Sam by those pet names in his presence since then, but he was keeping his auditory processing at maximum capacity.

Vision privately wondered if he was the first of his teammates to have noticed what was developing between these two.

 

 

Reluctant to ask anyone about the matter with anything less than a completely accurate assessment of the situation, Vision continued his observations.

There was the matter of shared hobbies. Some of the most reputable sources he could find on the matter suggested that a favorite activity for couples was joint participation in recreational activities. He even had some personal knowledge of the subject: he and Wanda had passed many pleasant hours cooking her favorite Sokovian dishes.

The way Sam and Bucky shared their hobbies appeared to involve a little more collateral damage, but the process was fundamentally the same. 

Sam was rather fond of his drone, Redwing, and loved to tinker with it. Sometimes his modifications had clear practical value: a software update that improved its reconnaissance features, or a hardware upgrade that added limited offensive abilities. But there were times Vision was sure Sam could only have had his paramour in mind.

Take, for example, the robotic arm that he added that allowed Redwing to steal Bucky's lunch.

Bucky had been eating a burrito outside by himself. No doubt wanting to save him from such a lonely fate, Sam had directed Redwing to fly in, grab the burrito, and fly upwards and out of reach. 

He had evidently not expected Bucky to reach for his favorite weapon and shoot the drone directly out of the sky. 

The burrito was not recovered, and Sam yelled that firing weapons into the air “violated some serious safety codes, asshole!” (Bucky had only shrugged at being informed of his transgression.)

“If you had wanted to retrieve your lunch, it would have been safer and more economical to request that I do it,” Vision later told Bucky.

“It's the principal of the matter,” Bucky had responded, although Vision had no idea to what principal exactly he was referring. No doubt a courtship ritual that Vision had missed in his research.

Whatever he had meant by it, Bucky appeared resolute about this belief. More than once after a mission was successfully completed, Bucky would “accidentally” shoot down Redwing. Sam had had to do several repairs and make even more modifications. The burrito-stealing robot arm was eventually upgraded to a permanent fixture, although by then Bucky had started to eat his lunch almost exclusively indoors.

It was an unusual way to share a hobby, and Vision thought he personally preferred cooking. But he admired his teammates’ creativity. 

 

 

There was something Vision happened to learn, however, that finally gave him the confidence to mention the subject to Wanda. 

“What do you think of the relationship between Bucky Barnes and Sam Wilson?” He asked, carefully calibrating his tone to ‘casual’.

“Every day, I just hope they at least take out the bad guys before they take out each other,” she sighed. 

“Wanda, they're professionals,” Vision frowned. “I am sure they are both responsible and appropriate about the timing of romantic outings.”

Wanda appeared confused. “That's not what I --” Something seemed to occur to her, and she gave a surprised laugh. “Did you think they were _dating_?”

There was an awful lot of disbelief in her tone for how much research Vision had done. “This isn't about what I think. I have a reasonable hypothesis based on the data.” 

“Vis, they hate each other,” Wanda stated, as if that was the end of the debate. But she was no doubt lacking some key evidence.

“Then why does Sam Wilson carry around Bucky Barnes’ photo?” Vision countered.

The smile faded from Wanda's face. “What?” 

“I saw it today. A small photo, from when Bucky resided in Wakanda. I understand this is a common custom among couples.” 

“I don't -- huh.” Wanda seemed impressed. “I'm going to ask, actually. I'm sure there's got to be some kind of explanation.”

Vision nodded. He'd already ran advanced probability models and had put an estimate of 87.1% with a 2.3% confidence interval that Sam and Bucky were dating. But he decided to keep that fact to himself. He had yet to find a credible source on the romantic possibilities of sharing advanced statistical models with one's partner.

 

 

The next mission took the team to Peru, as a rogue terrorist cell had been trying to smuggle a bioweapon through the mountains. After the threat had been neutralized, the team had decided to take a well-deserved break in Lima. Wanda waited until Sam was alone to approach him. 

“I have something of an unusual question, Sam,” Wanda started. He arched an eyebrow in acknowledgement. “I heard that you had a photo of Bucky --” 

Sam didn't look confused or flustered or anything. He just nodded as if this was a completely normal fact, as if everyone just happened to carry around photos of the former Winter Soldier. He even reached a hand into one of his inner pockets to fish out said photo and show it to her. 

It was unmistakably Bucky. From the look of his clothes, it was from his time in Wakanda. He was even carrying a goat. It looked surprisingly small. And fragile.

Wanda knew Bucky had more than his fair share of skeletons in his closet, that he had buried things that were better off not seeing the light of day again.

She hadn't really expected that dark, sordid past to include raising baby goats.

“Why --?” Wanda asked, with a vague hand motion, hoping to encompass the broad domain of her confusion.

Sam just grinned. “Come with me. I'll show you.” 

They walked around the capital for a few minutes. Sam kept checking his wrist, a man on a mission. Wanda looked around for some clue that could help her divine his purpose, but they were in a pretty nondescript part of town. Even when Sam finally motioned towards a storefront, it didn't look like much of anything. 

He walked towards the back, where there was a small section of religious paraphernalia. Crucifixes. Rosary beads. Paintings of Jesus.

Sam took out the photo of Bucky and rested it against one such portrait. He then raised his wrist to take a photo. 

“Uncanny, right?” He asked. 

Wanda stared. First at Sam and then at the photo. Then at Sam again. Finally, though, turning her face back to the photo, she answered, “It really is.”

“Annnnd sending that photo to Bucky now.” With great fondness, Sam sighed, “He hates this.” 

After that, he picked back up the photo of Bucky, and they rejoined the team.

 

 

“They are definitely not dating,” Wanda concluded to Vision, after they were home alone and she'd had a chance to share the story of her adventure with Sam. “The only love in the air is their love of annoying each other.”

Vision sighed heavily. “I see. I'll have to recalibrate my models to account for this new observation.”

Wanda wasn't quite sure what he meant, and she definitely didn't ask.

 

 

Bucky laid in bed and looked again at the photo Sam had sent him. He hated to admit it, but Sam might have a point about growing his hair long.

“Do you think if I asked, T'challa would be able to erase any digital copy of this photo?” Bucky called out.

Sam laughed from the bathroom suite where he was busy brushing his teeth. There was triumph in that laugh. “We both know it's too late for that,” he called back. “And I don't think it's possible, technologically speaking.”

Bucky frowned. “Don't underestimate Shuri's capabilities.”

“We both know if you asked her, she'd take my side on this issue.” Sam walked back into the bedroom. For the time of day where they were  
post-coital but pre-sleep, he preferred just to stay naked. Bucky preferred it when he did too. Even now, he took a moment to enjoy the view before Sam sat down next to him and drew him into a kiss.

“Besides,” Sam whispered, his voice husky, “If you destroy the digital version, I've still got a physical copy.” 

“For now,” Bucky whispered seductively back, “You've got to sleep sometime.” 

Sam pushed him back with a laugh, “Just admit, I win this round.” 

“I'm going to get you back,” Bucky promised, before leaning forward to kiss Sam again.

**Author's Note:**

> One time, someone I followed reblogged a photo of Bucky in Wakanda and I did scroll past it thinking it was Jesus. That is an actual true thing that happened to me.


End file.
